May is Mental Health Month- My Story!

May is #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth. Mental Health is very important in the Rare Disease Community and the chronic illness community. Many people have their stories about dealing with #MentalHealth. My story is about 3 years ago. My pain level was out of this world, it was a 9-10 pain level every minute of everyday. My doctors were telling me that there wasn’t much that they were able to do for me. so yes I contemplated suicide. I thought very hard about it, even planning how I could do it. If you know me, you know when I set my mind to something I will do it. So before I actually tried it I called my counselor and she told me to go to the ER room and declare yourself for a 72 hour watch. If you don’t know what that is it is a psychiatric watch for 72 hours for anyone who is contemplating suicide. It is not the easiest to do. Actually is kind of embarrassing! But it also saved my life!! I can truly say don’t worry about what others think. Don’t worry about being embarrassed! I still at times am embarrassed about talking about this time of my life. But I look back and say thank you I had someone to talk to. I also am grateful that even though I thought it would be better for the ones I loved to not be around, I really learned that is NOT true. It truly was a very dark time in my life. Will I say that I don’t get depressed ? NO. Will I say I am “Cured?” NO. Fighting mental illness is an everyday process. Don’t be embarrassed about your #MentalHealth challenges! So many have them too! I learned that if you discuss this you just might help that ONE PERSON!! That one person you may have saved their life!! I am writing this not to say I am better than Mental Health… I will never be better than mental health!! Everyday I deal with my Mental Health. I will never beat it!! All I can do is control it!! I have very bad days and I have good days. It is how I deal with the good and the bad that makes me who I am! I had a rough emotional day yesterday. I will have many more of them. I will also have some GREAT DAYS!! I cherish that I am still here!! I am also grateful that I have an amazing wife and daughter. I am also grateful i have a wonderful Counselor. One of the main reasons I write this is to let you all know!!!#YouAreNotAlone !!! I am here for you! There are so many people who are here to help. Don’t be afraid to ask for help! Asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak!! Asking for help makes you STRONG!!!

Life is always a work in process!

Sometimes life has ways to show you what should and is important in life.
Life loves to test you. It also loves to make you think. You see thinking is not a bad thing, it can be your friend. It can be overdone also. Sometimes you need to be alone in your thoughts, but not all the time. Make sure you ask for help when you need it. I know that sounds funny coming from me. But in the scheme of life make sure to have balance.
It seems like that is easier said than done.
But also remember that someone is there for you!! I am here for you all! I know that sounds like lip service but it isn’t!

I have been through a lot, I have even thought that I couldn’t go on. I am so glad that I never did anything to act on that.
I realize that life is worth living for. I know I would never want to have my wife and daughter to ever have to deal with that.

Do I ever have bad days and bad thoughts? Absolutely!

Will I ever act on it? I don’t know. I do know I will be trying my best to be a better me.

I am in my thoughts today and I had certain feelings today. Some good some bad. None that bad that I needed to act on them. But enough to make me think.

I can say I am in a place where I reflect on myself. I need to work on me, but isn’t everyone a work in progress?

I am truly grateful that I have people who support me. I also am grateful that I am there for them and anyone else who needs it.

1 Year, 1 Year- That one year of life that turns your life around!

I know I didn’t tell everyone about this. I did talk about my downgrade health, but I didn’t tell too many about only having a couple of months to live. There are reasons, most of all I didn’t want pity. I also want to live each and everyday like it is my last. But if I told everyone it may be my last people would of changed. Not that they want to it is just the way life is. I wanted to be treated like it is me, not the me who may pass anytime soon. I truly went back and forth with how I was going to handle this. I have been blessed and lucky to be me. Also to have this “extra” chance at life!

So you can see why it is a very emotional day and time. It being April only adds so much more to this. I am truly blessed to have so many great people in my life. I truly love and thank you all! I do have to say this one thing.. This has truly put my life in perspective. Also am I out of the woods? No! Will it get better? I don’t know! I do know that I am here and I never take that for granted. I really believe that I was put on this Earth for a reason. Some of that reason I know, but some other reasons I have yet to discover. I honestly don’t know if I want to know why? I do know I am here because of my family and my friends. I am also here to continue to fight. I want to believe I am also here to inspire others to never give up! Giving up is NEVER an option!

Today is a very emotional day for me! I know I should be happy but I am very emotional today. You see on this day last year I was told by my doctors that I am terminally ill. I was actually told a couple of days before this by one of my doctors. But this time last year I was told by 3 doctors that there was nothing they could do for me. Imagine going into your doctor’s office and see one of your other doctors there and another one on the phone telling you that you probably have only a couple of months to live. It truly was one of the hardest days of my life! The hardest part wasn’t me getting the news, it was having to tell my family, especially wife and daughter.
I was truly blessed and lucky that one of my doctors was able to find a specialist who has stabilize my living. I know it is not a cure, but it’s helped me live an extra 9 months.
I don’t know what the future has in store for me, but I do know I have been blessed and taking each day as a blessing. I love you all!

I Thought Staying Home Was Going to Be Boring.. Boy Was I Wrong!

I decided that due to my health I was going to concentrate on Volunteering as a Foundation for Sarcoidosis Research National Ambassador for statewide, New York, but boy do things change …

So this year started out with me getting another problem diagnosis.. something I will discuss at a later time. So with that I had to go on a higher dose of Prednisone and I also started to have tremors more pronounced. Some of it was the Prednisone doing it to me, and some of it is the progression of the Parkinson’s. It has at times even bothered my speech. I noticed it a lot at my FSR Ambassador training class. I know some of it is me being self conscious but I know I have been getting worse. I thought pulling back was good for my health. I realized after time all that did was get me depressed more and more. I was to the point of giving in. I knew I couldn’t and wouldn’t. II am too strong to do that! I needed to have some source of life balance. That is when I decided to go back to advocating!

With that being said I have been doing things to help FSR and also my organization, Sarcoidosis of Long Island mostly from home. I realized that there are too many people in New York that have Sarcoidosis.

That scares me and hurts me. Why you may ask? Well when I was misdiagnosed in 2004, I felt all alone. When I went through 4+ years of chemotherapy and radiation, I felt all alone. When I was finally diagnosed, Sarcoidosis, in 2011, I had family but had nobody to talk to about this disease. I vowed never let anyone else feel this way.

I know I can’t save everyone, heck I can’t even save myself at times. I also know I am not God, nor do I want to be. What I do want is to be here for people and I want people to know that:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!

So I decided that is going to be Sarcoidosis of Long Island’s montra! I had to make a plan on how will people actually know that Sarcoidosis of Long Island and Foundation for Sarcoidosis Research are here for them, the patients, the family, and the caregivers?

So I decided that I needed help and I needed to get my name out there! I have been looking for new and different ways to raise Awareness!

I started by going to the people that have been my biggest supporters Town of Brookhaven councilmembers, Valerie Cartright and Jane Bonner. I asked them for their help. I am not usually one to ask for help, but I knew that what I was doing wasn’t working enough. Then I went to my support from Suffolk County Legislators, Sarah Anker, Kara Hahn, Leslie Kennedy and of course Dr. William Spenser. I am so glad I did. I received so many great tips and great ideas.

Well let’s start from February 2019. I was scheduled to go to a Health Fair locally by Kara Hahn’s office. Unfortunately it was cancelled due to the weather but it truly was just a start for me and my organization.

My Town Council Members were amazing and gave me some leads like the talking to civic associations. That panned out, I received two invitations to speak at their association meetings in April.

Then the Jane Bonner and Valerie Cartright asked me to speak at the Talk of the Town local television station. I will be interviewed on March 13, 2019. It is a great place for me to not only advertise all that is going on but more importantly to raise awareness for Sarcoidosis and Sarcoidosis of Long Island.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Then I received help from all of my Suffolk County Legislators so I can speak at their Board meetings. Then Dr William Spencer offered me to speak at the their Health Committee meeting both in March. So you would think that is pretty good and filled enough, wouldn’t you think so…

So me being me I went looking for more and more found me too. I guess good things happen to good people some times, not that I am good. I was contacted by Five Tier Media and Marketing. He asked me if I wanted to have a billboard for Sarcoidosis of Long Island on February 28, 2019. Well it was a special for Rare Disease Day. I was so delighted. I never thought that I would ever be able to afford it, but it truly was reasonably priced so I tried it. I am beyond grateful I did.. The Billboard is in Times Square, 42nd Street and 7th Avenue. I had 30 ads at 15 second for each ad. It was truly amazing! I will put a picture and a video of the Billboard for all to see!! You would think that was it for the Billboards, but no! We are actually doing a fundraiser with the Billboard on March 14, 2019, so I will be in NYC to see the billboard and from there I will be taking a VIP tour of Citifield to discuss partnering with the NY Mets for opportunity to fundraise and raise awareness. If you want to know more please feel free to contact me for the information. But I do have to say Rare Disease Day was truly amazing. I went to NYC on Rare Disease Day, saw The View and was able to mention Rare Disease Day. Met a great lady Brenda another Rare Disease patient and advocate at The View. She is truly amazing! We talked about how we can collaborate and help the community instead of working against each other. On March 24, 2019 I am being honored by TBRNEWSMEDIA as one of Town of Brookhaven people of the Year.

So March is pretty much a full calendar, considering I still have Dr. appointments for my declining health. I know I am doing a lot but it actually fuels me. I need to have a purpose, but I also need to balance my family too. I believe I am doing both, because all of my events are not far. I am trying to be busy, but be smart at it.

April is Sarcoidosis Awareness Month. so to say I am slowing down would be ridiculous. I will just start at the beginning of the month and go from there!

April 1, 2019- The View-

A bunch of us Sarcoidosis Warriors and Caregivers are going to the View. We wear our purple and let them know all about Sarcoidosis.

April 2, 2019- Buffalo Wild Wings Centereach NY 11720-

We are having a local restaurant fundraiser at Buffalo Wild Wings it is more than just making money. It is to truly raise Awareness for Sarcoidosis and the events that are coming!

April 7, 2019- KISS Westchester Sarcoidosis Walk ‘n’ Roll- 9:30am-12pm

This is the first of three Walks we are having in NY! This walk is being run by my good friend and fellow National Ambassador Kerry in Westchester. Her link is here to join: https://stopsarcoidosis.rallybound.org/KISSWestchester2019 .

April 9-10, 2019- The Today Show, Dr. Oz and Good Morning America-

Sarcoidosis Warriors are going to NYC to The Today Show on the 9th morning to raise awareness then in the afternoon we are going to Dr.Oz on the 9th. On the 10th we are going to Good Morning America.

April 13, 2019- KISS Queens/Long Island Walk/Run- 9:30-1pm

Number 2 of the Walks. This event is being run by another one of my friends and National Ambassador Cheryl is in Nassau County Long Island, Oceanside. Her link to join is:

https://stopsarcoidosis.rallybound.org/KISSQueensLongIslandWalk2019

April 14, 2019- Sarcoidosis of Long Island Support Group Meeting- Mather Hospital- Port Jefferson, NY- 6pm-8pm

We are celebrating Sarcoidosis Awareness Month by inviting anyone who wants to learn about Sarcoidosis. We will be having Town, County and State government officials. and others here to show their support for Sarcoidosis.

April 20,2019- 5th Annual Sarcoidosis of Long Island KISS Walk- 9:30am-12pm

The last of the Walks is being run by me and my Organization. The event will be at Heritage Park Center- Mt. Sinai Suffolk County Long Island.

Here is the link for more information: http://fjr311.wixsite.com/sarcofliwalk

So as I said pretty busy for the next two months. It seems I would stop there… Nah!!

July 13, 2019- Brooklyn Cyclones NY Mets Minor League team game-

Sarcoidosis of Long Island and the Brooklyn Cyclones will be joining together to Raise Awareness and Fundraise. Hanna Curtis,12, our little Sarcoidosis Warrior Sister will be throwing out the first pitch. She will also be having a day of her life: Check this out!!!
https://youtu.be/0tdZQMTXJV0

We will be selling at least 50 tickets to the game at $20.00/ each ticket
On-Field Pre-Game Presentation & Video PSA
First Pitch Opportunity- Great way to reward a volunteer
or use as an auction item prior to your game to help raise
funds
Host a FREE Activation Table on the concourse
Public Address Announcements promoting your charity at
the game
Charity Logo & direct link featured on our Charity Partner
page at BrooklynCyclones.com
Charity Logo featured on our Charity Partner page in the
2019 Brooklyn Cyclones Game Day Program

Have the chance to raise money at your Activation Table
Receive control of our “Winning Prize Wheel”!
We provide you Cyclones promotional items and you receive
100% of the proceeds
*Only one charity per game will be permitted

I am writing this not to brag. I wrote this because I wanted people to see that if you set your mind to do something even on a small scale statewide you can do it! I am truly trying a whole bunch of new things this year! I decided to get out of my comfort zone and try new things. Why? To let you all know:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I may be overdoing it. Probably so. But I want to let others have a chance to find us! Too many people are dying from Sarcoidosis and too many have committed suicide thinking they are alone. I can’t let that happen!!

So as I said earlier I thought I would be staying home, but I guess not!!

My Story Then and Now

I am making videos about my journey with Sarcoidosis and Parkinson’s. I made these videos with the hope it may help at least one person to show them 3 things. I want you to know we all have our own battles and wars. Don’t ever think yours is too menial. We deal with what we are handed! 

1- Never Give Up! You are strong enough to fight! My motto is “I have Sarcoidosis, but it doesn’t have me!” 

2- One person can make a difference! You and your story means a lot. Don’t be afraid to tell your story!

3- You are Not Alone!

I made 5 Episodes (Videos):

Just click on the underline name of the Episodes to watch these videos. Good luck and I hope you understand my thoughts and feelings!! 

I do know they are long, but I wanted to put my feelings and my thoughts so you can see what I have been through and that you can still fight!! 

1- My Crusade to find a diagnosis.

My Crusade to Find a Diagnosis

2- My diagnosis and Surgeries.

My Diagnosis and Surgeries!

3- My Advocate Years.

My Advocate Years

4- 2018-What a Year.

My Story Then and Now- Episode 4- 2018 What a Year!!

5. Thank You All.

My Story Then and Now- Episode 5-Thank you

These videos tell some of my experiences with having a rare disease called, Sarcoidosis, and having Parkinson’s.  I know it has been a long battle, but honestly hope it will be so much longer! 

You see this battle has really taken me on a ride, but yet I am still here!! I am also still smiling!! 

These diseases have changed my life, but has not changed my will!

As I have always said ” I MAY HAVE SARCOIDOSIS AND PARKINSON’S, BUT IT DOESN’T HAVE ME!” I MAY PASS DUE TO THESE DISEASES, BUT I KNOW I WON!!! 

ME BEING ABLE TO WRITE THIS RIGHT NOW SHOWS THAT I HAVE WON!!!

Days are long and tough.

It is 5:50am and I am reflecting on life and what it has to offer. Lately my life has been up and down. Mostly down. I have been dealing with so much with having both Sarcoidosis and Parkinson’s.

I have been fighting for my life. I don’t say that often. Why because I don’t like to put any light on me. I am fighting just like many others in this world.

Well the last couple of days have been so tough for me. I am use to dealing with tough days , but it has been tough both physically and mentally.

I have been having feelings of why am I still here? I know that being sick does this to you but somedays the feelings are stronger than other days.

So lately I have been fighting harder and harder. I even wonder why I fight as much as I do. Thoughts go through your head, ” Would everyone just be better off if I gave up?” ” Would I be better if I didn’t have to fight anymore?”

Is it a good thing to think these things? No, but I am human. Sometimes I feel some people forget that. I feel I forget that.

I don’t let myself be a human. Just be a person in pain, be a person who is sick. I always feel like I have to be strong for everyone else but why shouldn’t I let someone be strong for me?

It is just the way I have always been.

So here is what I feel. I am in extreme pain! I hurt so bad that I just want to cry. Everyday lately! I don’t cry because I have to be strong for my family. I know that sounds bad, but I have to try to stay strong. I feel if I break up then my family will. It is not my family’s fault. It is just who I am. Sometimes to a fault.

So today I woke up in extreme pain. So much pain it feels like my head is going to explode. I should be use to this, but I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worse enemy.

I don’t feel like my family, not my close family, but my extended family and my friends, truly understands what I go through just to make it through the day. I am sure some people will say I am making something bigger than what they think it is. All I can say to you is ” Live ONE day in my shoes!” Just one day! Let me know how you feel after that one day. I am not trying to brag, I am telling you the truth. Almost everyday I am just blowing off my health and my mental state. According to everyone I am strong! I am a “hero.” Really?? I don’t think I am. I am just one person who is trying to survive.

I also get people saying to me ” If you are so sick, why are you going out? Why are you doing so much?” My answer is this ” Really?? I mean who are you to tell me how to live my life?? Wouldn’t you want to make memories? Wouldn’t you want to live your life with your family? I have an amazing wife and daughter. I want to be able to have my family to say he lived his life to the fullest.”

Just realize one thing! I am not living to make you happy. I am living my life for my wife and for my daughter. If you don’t like it… Oh well! Let me know the handbook of living with a terminal disease. I would love to see it!

So I know this much. I am going to do things my way. I am going to be me! I am going to be selfish at times. I am also not going to care what others think about how I live. It is my life! Not yours!

I know this is an angry post but if you know me at all you know I am me! I am not here to sugarcoat things for you! I am here for my family and more importantly ME! If you don’t like it! There is the door!!!

Yes it is harsh, but I don’t have time for negativity in my life!

Personal Life…

As I sit here today I am in tears…. Why you may ask?? 

My life has been full of ups and downs, and I do mean a lot of ups and downs! I know many people who have had less that have not made it to where I am and I know many others who have had more and have done so much more than I have.

Let me start off by saying this will be real hard on me, but I have to do this! I am going to start at the present for a moment then go back to the beginning.. Some of you know about my story, but even if you do, I am writing this because I am in a place where I need to put some of these feelings and memories in perspective for you all to understand me.  The true me!

Yesterday I took my daughter to The Today Show. It may not seem like such a big deal, even to my daughter it may not have been a big deal. There are many reasons I took my daughter out of school for this. First off it was International Day of the Girl! Second the strength my daughter has shown me and so many that actually know her, she has the strength of many so she needed to be here today! I knew, even if she doesn’t understand the significance of me taking her there, that I wanted to make a memory that she won’t forget, about us. I know that my Mother use to take me to places that I have always remembered even now. I want my daughter to remember those special times! Yesterday was so amazing, to see such strong women of all ages, especially during these times when men of all backgrounds are treating women as second class citizens. I want my daughter to know I support her in every decision she makes. I know she won’t always make decisions I may like but I will support her NO MATTER WHAT! Seeing Meghan Trainor, Jennifer Hudson, Kelly Clarkson and most importantly Michelle Obama. I have the utmost respect for Michelle Obama. I will never forget when she said ” When they go low, We GO HIGH!” After all her and her family has been through she still has the class to be so AMAZING! When we were at the Today Show yesterday Savannah said to me one thing that made me realize what this meant to her and it was something so simple. ” Oh My God Michelle Obama is going to be here! Wow I love her!” With that I knew I must of done something right!!!!

So many people say things if you are terminally ill why are you going out?? Why because I am not dead!! I have a family that needs me both emotionally as well as physically as much as I need them. I have some great friends and people in my life but sorry nobody will ever mean more to me than my family. I have made many mistakes in my life but my family is my source, they are why I am still here.

Okay so now that I have said that I am going to go back to the beginning. I have been through so much as a child some you know some you don’t. Let’s start with at the age of 5 I was diagnosed with leukemia. I don’t remember that much from the ages of 5 until the age of 8. What I do remember is that I was very sick and had no energy and seeing doctors all the time. I feel I blanked it out because of how hard and terrible it was at that time. I was not allowed to go to school from half of kindergarten all the way until March of fourth grade. I remember my brothers and my Mom helping me learn to read as well as doing math and just learning in general. Then at some point I started to read Encyclopedias, to be more specific the 1972 edition of The World Book Encyclopedias. I do remember that by the time I was ready to go back to school I finished from A-Z. I do know from my Mother that there were many times I could of died from being so sick. It is something in my history I still haven’t been able to get all the details and still not sure if I want to know the details.

During my life my Mother was always sick herself. She had a bad heart for so many years of her life. Due to that she was not allowed to work. We really had to always make due with what we had and that we did. I won’t say that we didn’t complain, but in the end I know my Mother was so amazing! She gave me the strength to be the person I am today. She went through as many as 8 or more heart surgeries that I can remember. I remember hearing a story from my Grandmother that when my Mom was in the hospital one time in 1975, the doctors told my grandmother in front of my Mom, thinking that she couldn’t hear because she was in a coma, that she won’t make it through the night. Well I can truly say this is where I get my Mom’s fight. She woke up the next morning. She woke up and told that same doctor to F off. Those were actually her first words when she woke up. Now you can understand why I am who I am. You will understand more as I go on with this.

As a child I was in two foster homes, because of my Mother’s heart problems. The first foster home was in one word, HELL! They were just a Foster Family for the money and at any given time they had 4 or more Foster children plus their own 2 children. I remember that they were the type of family that if you didn’t eat all of your food you had it for breakfast, one reason I don’t like Macaroni and Cheese to this day. I actually go back to those days, I guess it is a PTSD episode. I also remember the family also punished me for 30 days for something I didn’t do. That wouldn’t be a big thing but my punishment was 30 days in the bedroom, only time I was allowed to leave was to go to the bathroom. I ate and slept, that was all I was allowed to do. It scarred me for life. Very vivid memories. To make it through that was just the thought I had to be strong for my younger sister since it was only her and I together while my two older brothers were in a different home. It was a lot for a a very young boy who couldn’t even go to school because I was too sick. Right there I knew one thing! I AM STRONGER THAN I EVER KNEW! I am not trying to “Toot” my own horn, but this is and was true life, My True life!

I have always been a fighter, even when I didn’t know it.So much in my life has tested me and my strength, but also made me strong for my biggest test. THE TEST OF LIFE OR DEATH!

Because of my Mom not being able to work,  we weren’t able to stay in one house for too long. We rented for most of my life. We moved around often and my mother was on disability so we were on Food Stamps. Yes we were on food stamps, for most of my childhood life. So when people talk about food stamps and Medicaid I take very high offense to it. My Mother didn’t want to be on it. I could see the pain in her face when I was young about being on it. She had NO choice! Not everyone uses Medicaid to beat the system! Now that I am on disability and on Social Security due to my many health issues, I don’t want to be on it either, I have no choice too. It really shows me how hard my Mother had it. I don’t know how anyone could live off of this! My Mother did it with 4 children. To this day I look back on My Mother in awe. I know I hold My Mother on a high Pedestal, I know she wasn’t perfect, hell she told me more than once that she wasn’t, but I am also not naive to think she didn’t give up so much for all of us.

On October 2, 2001 I lost My Mother! I moved down to Florida in January 2001. I moved in with my Mom because she asked me for help. I remember seeing her so sick that past year. It was so tough to see this strong woman fighting but getting weaker and weaker each day. It was a monumental moment for me when she passed away. My main support system was gone. It took me some time to really get over it! I can say to this day I never totally got over it.

On December 28, 2002 my daughter, Savannah Rose Rivera, was born. What an amazing day that was!! I remember getting to see her for the first time. Carrying her to the nursery. She was so beautiful! It was so amazing! She was the best thing that happened to me at a time I needed it the most! She is the second coming of My Mother. So many similarities to my Mom. Unfortunately my daughter has been through so much herself. She is another one who is so resilient and keeps moving forward. After moving back to NY I wasn’t able to speak to my daughter for close to 4 years. When I finally received full custody of her in 2015, it made me close to being complete.

As many of you know I was misdiagnosed with Cancer in 2004, As I went through Chemotherapy and Radiation treatments I thought that would be the lowest part of my life. Boy I guess watch what you ask for.

In 2009 when I moved back to NY I finally felt comfortable. Honestly only took 42 years. I knew I didn’t have my daughter at the time, but I felt things were moving in the right direction.

In 2010 we found out that my wife Diana was pregnant. We thought wow what a great present! My daughter Isabella Joy Rivera, was born on January 2, 2011. Way earlier then she was supposed to be born. She was only 25 weeks old. We knew it was a long shot that she would make it. She lived for 5 amazing days! She fought tooth and nail to try to live but in the end her lungs were underdeveloped and on January 8, 2011 she passed away. I have never had that feeling I had when that happened ever before, even with my Mom passing. You are never ready to see your own child pass away. I don’t care if it was 5 days or 100 years, you should never have to live through seeing your own child pass away.  I remember that night she passed like it was yesterday. It was so tough for me, but even more so for my wife Diana. Just remembering the sleepless nights and feeling so helpless to help my wife was so tough. There was one thing that will always resonate in my head, someone close to me saying they didn’t acknowledge my daughter Isabella, because she didn’t live long enough to be known. To this day I will always remember that!!

Unfortunately as usual we didn’t have enough time to mourn our daughter, Isabella. At the end of January of 2011, I went to the emergency for my IBS and while doing a CT Scan they found masses in my bottom lobes of my lung because when doing the CT Scan of my abdomen they caught the two bottom lobes of my lung.

That started the journey of Sarcoidosis.

What a journey it has been! 8 surgeries in 6 years, removal of my gallbladder, and so much pain and missed opportunities that has been testing my will to live more than once. Can you imagine finding out you never had cancer, that you went on 4 years of radiation and chemotherapy for nothing??? Well welcome to my life.

So when I got diagnosed with Sarcoidosis I already had it in 75% of my body, now I am safe to say I have it everywhere in my body except for my liver and kidneys. What a blow to my body. Trying every drug known to doctors and then some to find out none of it is working. Then 3 years ago my doctor decided to try me for a clinical trial. I wasn’t accepted in because my Sarcoidosis was too far advanced. Then we tried to file with the FDA to try an experimental drug. I was feeling good about it. There were known cases in Europe and Asia that were reacting well towards a medicine. I was denied Compassionate Use 2 times because I had 2 different illnesses at the time. In August 2017 I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s. It was another misdiagnosis, they said I had essential tremors back in 2012 due to the Sarcoidosis. Well they thought they caught that early enough because the medicine was helping with the shakes. Little did we know that the Parkinson’s and the Sarcoidosis were double teaming my brain and fighting each other for space in the brain. In April 2018, I was told by my doctors that I was terminally ill, that my brain wasn’t reacting to any of the medicines. They told me that they didn’t know how long I had, but if I didn’t slow myself down I would be in real trouble.

Even though I have been on disability since 2013, I was advocating first for Sarcoidosis Awareness to government officials trying to get recognition for a disease that was getting NO support from the government. I would go to local government meetings and made good contacts in the Town Legislature so they made April Sarcoidosis Awareness Month. I worked with some of the County Legislatures and received a Proclamation stating that April to be Sarcoidosis Awareness in Suffolk County. Then I received one for New York State. I was also working with the Federal Government both Senators and US Representatives to make April Sarcoidosis Awareness Month Nationally but due to the climate in Washington DC I couldn’t receive a bipartisan bill introduced. Meanwhile in those years I participated in one Congressional briefing in Washington DC in 2015 then organized another in 2017 with Foundation for Sarcoidosis Research. I also went on to help the rare disease community in 2014. I joined EveryLife Foundation working groups and even asked to be chairperson of one of the working groups, in 2017, to help get laws passed, as well as Global Genes Foundation Alliance Member in 2015, and a NORD New York Liaison in 2017. In 2016 I even set up “A Day for Rare Diseases!” It was a day for all rare diseases to discuss there diseases and the community and government officials as well as doctors all could talk and learn about Rare Diseases.

So in April 2018, I received the news I was downgraded from chronically ill to terminally ill. I was very distraught. I called some people who I considered friends in the Rare Disease Community and was working with me on a Mental Health project that day and the response I got was “Well what does this do to the project?” Not are you okay? Not do you need anything? So I was extremely upset so I dumped the whole project. I did not feel comfortable handing over the project that I, and only I, worked my butt off to people who didn’t care about me. How could I be assured they were going to carry out my vision? I know I did it in haste and I am sorry to all that it would of helped. But I am not going to have my name on something that I worked so hard on, to have it done wrong! So when that happened I started to get calls from NORD, and EveryLife and others telling me to step down from all of my positions without even being asked my side of what happened. Then I got ostracized by most of the rest of the Rare Disease Community. I felt really used and upset. I helped out whenever they asked me! I bent over backwards for them and to get slapped in the face really hurt!!!

So here it is October 2018. I have been having so many health problems since April including, Brain and memory issues, fainting, dizziness and worse of all migraines that have been non stop for over 6 months now. No medicines are helping me! Nothing!! I just sit here and smile while my brain is disintegrating. As I said before my brain is being attacked by both the Sarcoidosis and the Parkinson’s and I am losing! They don’t know what medicines to give me anymore!

So what do I do? Honestly?? I go out to do family things and make lasting memories for my family to remember and I get criticized, I stay home I get criticized, It doesn’t matter what I do it will always be wrong to someone! I am tired of hearing it! I am tired of being questioned if I am terminally ill. I am tired of people saying well you look great! I am even more tired of everyone telling me what I should or shouldn’t do! People think when you say terminal you should be in hospice or in a bed dying! Well let me tell you something! I will not be going out that way! I will be me! I will be making memories with my friends and family! These memories aren’t for me! I won’t remember them when I am gone! I am trying to make sure that my family and friends have some good things to remember me by.

Okay my last piece is how I would like to be remembered! I am not asking much!

I just hope I was able to make a difference in one person’s life! I want my wife to say I was a good husband! I want my daughter to say I was a good dad!  I want nothing more to be remembered as a person who made mistakes in life and had hard times but persevered through it all and tried to be the best person I could be!

I also want everyone to know I tried so hard to help those who weren’t able to help themselves!! 

Honestly I don’t know how and when I am going to die. I am a realist and know it could be sooner than I ever wanted it to be! I do know that I am going to live as much as I can while I can! 

Don’t judge me unless you have been me!!!

 

 

 

My Advocate Story Now and Why Me?

So here I am today in my thoughts thinking about why me?

I know I have had three main diseases, Sarcoidosis, Sjogren’s Syndrome and Parkinson’s. I know I have been through so much in my life from childhood leukemia to being in two different foster homes as well as having my daughter Savannah to losing my daughter Isabella to marrying my both my love and my best friend, Diana.

I have been through so much this year that I never saw coming going into the year. I started the year very optimistic. But as life goes you face ups and downs. Well this year has gone downhill since April.

April was a crazy month. I was told by my doctors that I have been downgraded from chronically ill to terminally ill. When I was told it took a bit for me to deal with it but my first reaction still rings true. I told the doctors “Thanks but that is just a word to me!” I knew I had to cut back in all of my activities and my endeavors.

Due to that I upset many people, but I also know a lot of people who upset me. I thought I had some friends, but ultimately realized that I was being used. I haven’t said anything about this, but it really hurt when the people who I thought were close to me didn’t care when I said I was diagnosed terminal, their first comments were “What does that mean to the project?”  Not are you okay! So I realized where I stood. I do know I personally didn’t handle it well either. But how do you handle being told you are terminal ? There is no blueprint for that. I should of let them run the project. But after the exchange I didn’t feel they had my goals at hand. What I did realize is that I needed to stop feeling that I was being used. I worked so hard for the rare disease community. The feeling of being cast aside from all of what I had did for 7 years putting my own health at risk to help the rare disease community made me at first angry then sad. When asked by different organizations to join as an alliance member, or talk at a conference, or director of  a working group, or a liaison for another I helped out. Then to be ostracized by the community without a care makes me angry and sad all at once even now!

I have stayed on as a National Sarcoidosis Ambassador as well as RUGD Ambassador for Illumina, plus I have taken some small roles that I can do for other organizations at home, Savvy_Coop, Breakthrough Crew, and WEGO Health.

I won’t lie I know I am not always easy to get along with! When it comes to advocating I have an unusual way of doing things, always have and probably always will. I can say for the most part it has worked for me to raise awareness. My US Representative and Senators know me by name. They have helped me and done things for me that most haven’t done for others. My approach has always been, be straightforward with them and I expect the same from them. I will help them as long as they are straight with me. I have always tried to put the patients first. Not just myself but the whole community.

I still have a huge problem with how adults with rare diseases are treated in the community itself as well by . I will never stop expressing this fact. Please don’t forget that there are 30 million people who have rare diseases, of those 30 million 50% or 15 million are children, but the forgotten ones the other 50% or 15 million are adults who don’t want to die, who have a family that they are suppose to take care of, who have lost their jobs because of these diseases. 

I have many things I should be proud of. I know that. I have been nominated for advocacy awards as well winning Advocate of the Year by my Town. But one that is not why I have done this and two it is about the patients not me. Plus the Sarcoidosis community, has never wavered or questioned my intentions. I am so happy that the true community in which I started with has stood behind me and I know they have my back as much as I have theirs.

I am far from capable to do the things I was able to do just months ago and because being terminal I know I will be able to do less as time goes on. Those are just the facts. Does it stop me from being an advocate.. NO! Does it limit me… yes.. but you can still be an advocate from home. I can’t travel as much as I once did. As a matter of fact I can’t do a quarter of what I did before, but I know a quarter of me giving is still better than none of me. I am forever grateful for FSR and others for accepting me for who I am and not who I was. I will never be who I was! But I can be the best who I am now.

As to the “Why Me?”

I am not one to feel sorry for myself! Not in my Genes! I do have times when I think why did this happen to me? Why is The Sarcoidosis and the Parkinson’s having what my doctor told me as a “turf war in my brain, and I am the loser either way!” Why is my memory so bad now? Why are the migraines been going on for six months now with no stopping in sight?

Many people say I have a right to ask “Why Me?” Don’t get me wrong I do at times. I am one that deals with facts. I have three diseases that are killing me. That is something I can’t change. It is “The New Me!” Do I wish I could feel better of course, but there is nothing that is going to change that for now. I have to live in the now!

Right now I have to be the best person I can be, be the best family man, husband and father I can be, then lastly be the best advocate I can be now. Yes in that order! 

If I don’t take care of myself first then the rest doesn’t matter. Some people call it selfishness. I call it self awareness! It is something that I am not very good at or as I have been told before “I stink at!” I am trying to figure it out more now than ever.

I have learned that just because I have put myself first it doesn’t make me selfish. It makes me selfless. Why you may ask? Because I am not helping anyone if I don’t help myself.

I have been writing this blog not only for you and to show you what I have done, but most importantly for me to remember what I am here on this planet for. For a long, long time I have felt like I didn’t matter, like I am just here! Well I am here for a reason and the reason is to help others and by helping myself I can do that. I have changed my focus on life because life has told me to, but that doesn’t mean I care less or am not involved in advocating. It means I am doing the best I can, when I can, for as long as I can!!

I sincerely want to thank those who have been by my side with this and I don’t know where I would be without them!

Diana, my wife, my love, my best friend. I don’t know where I would be without you. You have been my rock, my life, my soul! I live for you! No matter what we have been able to handle things together! What a team we make!  I love you more than any words can say!! Your sacrifice to be with me is incredible. Your devotion for the things I do as an advocate is unmeasured. You are the best wife and person anyone could ever have!

Savannah, my daughter, my everything! You have been so amazing! You have inspired me to be a better father! You are the best! I live for you! You are and will become the best woman, more than I could ever imagined!

Debby, my counselor, but more important my friend! I have been able to go to you with anything no matter what, without fear of being belittled or feeling unimportant! I love you! What you have done for my family I could never repay you.

Isabella, my daughter, even though you were on this earth for 5 days you are always in my heart. You have taught me things I never would of known about myself. Thank you so much for being in my life forever!

Mom, you taught me so much! You are the strength in which I lean on. Even though you have been gone for 17 years you are only a question away. I feel you in everything I do. You have given me the strength to fight for who I am, what I am and for where I am right now. I always hope I am making you proud now and always! You have shown me what it is like to be a fighter! I love you now and forever!!

My Brothers and Sisters, you guys have helped me to be who I am today. Though I may have strayed away from you at times you are always in my heart! I love you all!

My Family, I want to thank you all for all of your patience even though I didn’t deserve it at times. I love you all!

My Mother in Law and family, you took me in and have taken care of me throughout my sickness. You have been there for my events and supported me throughout! I will always be grateful and love you all!

Kelli, my FSR helper but more importantly my friend. You have always been there for me when I needed to talk and just to bounce ideas off of. You are so amazing! I love you!

Cathleen, you may be my Vice President, but you are truly so much more. You are my friend, my confidant, my right hand person! Thank you so much for all of your help and support! I love you!

Kerry, you are amazing in everything you do! You are a very special to me and my family. I am so glad and honored to say you are my friend and co-Ambassador. I love you and Mike and your Mom, Iris!!

FSR Ambassadors, there are too many of you to mention. You are all so amazing! You are such an inspiration to so many and to me! Without all of you I know I wouldn’t be where I am now. My original FSR Ambassadors we made history! You are all family to me! Much Love To All of You!

Ginger, I remember when we both just started fighting the crazy battle against Sarcoidosis. I remember our first conversation. We just talked and you actually asked my opinion on how we can make the organization better. I love that we are always able to talk and that you have had my back! Love you!

Alesia, I love you! Your attitude towards life is nothing short of amazing! You are an inspiration! So glad to say you are my friend!

To Everyone else who has been there for me, Thank you so Much!

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Government Views

My Views of the State of our Country and Government. They are my opinion and mine alone!!

I know I am just a Patient Advocate but I have a unique perspective of the government, due to my 7 years of government advocating and dealing with all sides of the government. Since I have been downgraded from Chronically ill to Terminally ill, I have been home a lot more, but I have been dealing in full government advocacy. Yes you can still be an advocate from home. I have many connections from my time in Washington DC. They know I am a straight shooter and don’t hold anything back, but they also know that I am loyal to those who are loyal to me and I always have the PEOPLE in my best interests!

I just have to say a couple of things about our Government! I am totally disgusted by all parties of our government!

I am disgusted by our House of Representatives, while we are watching this Kavanaugh debacle, they are voting on TAX SCAM #2.”The Joint Committee on Taxation estimated that making these measures permanent would cost the government $630 billion in federal revenue over the next decade and also make all these changes permanent.” Give the rich more money take more from Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security Disability. LOOK AT THIS- “At the end of FY 2018 the gross US federal government debt is estimated to be $21.48 trillion, according to the FY19 Federal Budget” That does not count this new bill they are trying to pass! That is crazy incredible!

I am also disgusted at my own personal US Representative Lee Zeldin for lying to my face. I worked with Zeldin on many rare disease issues, and all the while stabbing me and millions of people in the back by voting YES on the Tax Scam Bill and also voting YES on the most recent Health care bill to come through the house. That bill makes it almost impossible for those with pre-existing conditions to get health insurance. That is the most ridiculous thing I can ever think of!

I am disgusted at the Senate for so many things! First and Foremost- GET A SPINE! ALL OF YOU! Many Americans would love you for it! This Kavanaugh debacle is the biggest disgrace in the government in all of my memory! It brought to head how DESTROYED our government is! Both sides are to blame and taking people down in the meantime and they don’t care! Dr. Ford went there yesterday to tell them about most likely the worse part of her life, being assaulted. What was the response from some of the Senators? We have Hatch saying she is beautiful and at one point of the hearing it actually looked like he was sleeping. Then you have Senator Graham yelling and demeaning her testimony and saying he will get revenge on the Democrats. Great! 99% of the committee had their minds set on the vote for Kavanaugh. Why bring her there? It was a disgusting horse and pony show!

If any of them cared they would of brought all of the people that were claimed to be there to the hearing. Yes they got a signed document saying they have no recollection. Anyone can sign a paper. Knowing that even though it is under law that nobody will call them for it.

Now with the Democrats . They should not be playing games either. They say they care about people but getting caught up in the same games that both sides are playing make you just as bad. You can’t be any better if you are doing the same thing as the other side.

Okay you all know how I feel about Trump. He ranks right up there as the worse people I have ever known. He has taken advantage of so many people, whether it physically, monetarily or mentally. He has made a mockery of the biggest job in the world, the US PRESIDENCY.
I have never seen the country and the world so divided in my 51 years alive. I am sure the Trump sheep will say ” No it was Obama!” No remember that Trump was the biggest “birther movement” talker to divide the country. Also we have our Great Senate Majority Leader and I quote ” We will make Obama a one term President.” So his cronies decided to make it miserable for him.

When it comes to Obama I believe he was trying to make too many people happy too many times. He was stymied but he let them do that to him also. When he came into office I know he had so many eyes on him being the first African American Descendant President. But he promised many things that he should of pushed back.
I am so tired of the government! I have been working with the government both Republicans and Democrats for 7 years and I never said I give up on them. I just know that it is broken so bad and yesterday just showed how broken it is.

I have one more thing to say. I am registered and independent. I have voted on both sides of the party. I vote for whoever I feel is looking out for ALL the people! Not just industry, or big money.

THE MAIN THING IS THAT PEOPLE ARE DYING, PEOPLE ARE GETTING KILLED, PEOPLE ARE GETTING SEXUALLY ABUSED, AND NOBODY IS FACING THOSE ISSUES!!!

WAKE UP EVERYONE!! VOTE! FIND PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY CARE! STOP COMPLAINING AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! YOU CAN MAKE A CALL, BE HEARD! ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP!!

Why??

Today I have been thinking about the word WHY???

• Why don’t I have close friends?
• Why do I have a rare disease and two other diseases?
• Why do I keep seeing on Television about children having a rare disease but nothing about Adults still? Not trying to say anything against children but adults have rare diseases too.]
• Why can’t anyone figure something to just help me feel a little better?
• Why am I terminally ill? What happened? 

I will try to keep things in order, but sometimes that is not that easy for me.

I know I shouldn’t be complaining, but I will at times and today may just be one of those days! Many people have it worse than I do, I realize that. My life has been rough , but as hard as it has been I have been blessed. My Mother even though she was sick most if not all of my life, was AMAZING! I know she may had done things that weren’t “according to everyone’s right way” but she did the best she could and loved us unconditionally. I know for me there were no limits in subjects that I could talk with her about. I also have a family Diana my wife and Savannah that have been by my side for a long time and many patients don’t have that. Also I feel like my extended family is trying to understand, it is very hard to understand when you don’t see or deal with it regularly.

Why don’t I have close friends?

Now when it comes to friends that is a totally different story. I lost a lot of friends, but a lot of that was my own doing, I own up to that, but other friends I lost have been due to being sick. Most of the friends I have now are because of my sicknesses. My wife of course is my best friend! But if asked if I have another best friend I can honestly say right now I don’t think I could name a person. I am not saying it to be ” Oh Poor Poor Me!” I am just stating facts. I have some people I can trust and can talk to, but there isn’t that one person I could call and say ” Hey you want to go out for coffee?” Like I said some of it is my fault, but when you need that one person the most it stinks and hurts. I would love to go to the beach just for a little while but since I don’t drive that makes it tough. It is the little things in life! But it is very hard when you are terminally ill and can’t go out to make friends. Enough of the Pity Party! I love the friends I do have don’t ever get me wrong! This is a very common occurrence for chronically ill patients to lose friends, but nevertheless it is tough! I am not perfect! Never was and Never will be! I have done stuff I regret and probably will do again, I am human!

Why do I have a rare disease and two other diseases?

Now this question of course is rhetoric. I will never know why I have Sarcoidosis, I can speculate, but I will probably never know. Same as Sjogren’s Syndrome and Parkinson’s. So why ask this question? It could be why me? But not really! It could be God doesn’t give you more than you can’t handle, I am human I wonder about that. Was it something I did in my past? I never believe that for anyone or so many Great people wouldn’t of died so early.

So the reason I ask this is really what have I learned since having these diseases? There are many things. Some good some not so good.

I have learned who are the real people in my life! I have learned how strong I truly am! I learned I may not win this fight , but I sure am not going to lose either! When all is said and done people can say whatever they want good or bad, but I did things the best I could. Sure I would change many things but they made me who I am right now! Someone so passionate about not only about myself but most importantly others.

I have these diseases because it made me a better person! Sounds weird, doesn’t it? I am sure there are some who may not think that but I can’t please everyone, nor will I try! I wish many things are different, but I am here fighting for my life and many others the best I can. It is different than before, but now since I am even more of a homebody than before, I can only do so much but I still try. I won’t stop fighting for what I feel is right, no matter who it upsets if I feel it is the right thing to do for the patient. I can’t change that! Never mind can’t, I won’t!!! These diseases have made me a better person in other ways also. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore! Why spend the rest of your life worrying about small things? Stressing yourself over why you can’t go here because you can’t afford it or someone does something small that bothers you is such a waste of time!

So I guess the reason I have these diseases is that it gave me a better concept of who I am!

Why do I keep seeing on Television about children having a rare disease but nothing about Adults still? Not trying to say anything against children but adults have rare diseases too.]

I know this is a very touchy subject. Let me start this off like I have before. There are at least 30 million Americans who have rare diseases. 50% of them are children. It is a sad truth that too many children have rare diseases, but don’t forget that 50% of rare disease patients are adults also. So stay with me on this one for awhile!

I have never tried to separate children and adults, but how many times do you hear about Adults with rare diseases compared to the children. I know it hits the heartstrings when people hear or see a child with a rare disease.

Do you realize how it feels to be an adult with a rare disease? What an impact it also has on family life financially, emotionally and mentally? I can only speak from my experiences. This part is not to sound like a victim, these are real experiences that I have been through.

I have been sick for a lot of my life, it started with simple things as extended ear problems, then it went to something more serious like childhood leukemia. When I had that I missed half of Kindergarten all the way to 4th grade of school. I could of and many times was told that they thought I wouldn’t make it through that. Boy were they wrong!! HAHA!! Why I put this in is because I know what it feels like to be a child with a severe illness. It was terrible! Blood transfusions, Chemotherapy, being in the hospital, or in a bed at home for almost 24 hours a day was like. The worse is that as a child you don’t understand what and why this is going on! I remember my Mom being sick herself trying to take care of me and all of the hardness and strength it took out of her and all of my Mom’s friends who were there to take care of me too.

As an adult who is sick guess what? You still don’t understand what and why this is going on, but on a totally different level. You know that you are sick but when you have a rare disease the odds are you don’t know how or why you got the disease. Then you also don’t have the understanding of what this disease is going to do to your body, especially when it comes to Sarcoidosis. Every patient has different symptoms. Then add on Sjogren’s Syndrome and Parkinson’s, IBS, Diverticulosis, Uevitis, Rheumatoid Arthritisand etc… it all becomes a complete mess!!!

When I was first misdiagnosed in 2004, I had a good job, good pay, steady employment wasn’t always worried about money. I had my daughter to take care of but that was fine. When I was misdiagnosed with cancer my whole life changed financially, physically emotionally and of course mentally. I was having a terrible time trying to maintain my job while receiving Chemotherapy and Radiation.

My health was a joke.. Not being able to hold down food, strength was next to nothing for days, then there was the little thing called loss of weight, I went down to 98 lbs. I honestly thought my life was over! Once again they and I were wrong! It was what I thought was the worse thing that would ever happen to me, boy was I wrong ( that happens to me a lot).

When I was finally diagnosed with Sarcoidosis I wasn’t too worried, after all Diana, my wife’s brother had it and he was fine after taking some prednisone, I can handle it. Well I was in for a rude awakening. I was diagnosed in April 2011. The best and when I say best I mean worst part of this was going to Mt. Sinai to find out that I received Chemotherapy and Radiation from 2004 to early 2008 for not the right reason. I was misdiagnosed with lung cancer the whole time so my travels with Sarcoidosis was going to be totally different than most people and just another jab to add in there was because I was misdiagnosed and my body was so weak I also found out I had Sarcoidosis in over 70% of my body by then. Now it is everywhere except my kidneys and liver. I can honestly say having Sarcoidosis is so much worse now than when I was misdiagnosed and on Chemotherapy and Radiation. That sounds crazy doesn’t it? How can that be? Very easy! When I was on Chemotherapy and Radiation it was helping a little by shrinking some of my masses.

Now we come to what is going on now! You see I guess I have been a medical anomaly for my whole life. I found out last April 2017, that I have Parkinson’s. Oh great! Just one more thing to for me worry about . Well comes to find out once again in 2011 I was diagnosed with Essential tremors. Wrong! It was Parkinson’s! Surprise! So I started using the Carbidopa-Levodopa and I thought “Hey this stuff is great!” It has helped so much with my shaking! I am on my way to do so much! Then slammed down again, I start to pass out… This is new… What is this all about??? Starting August 2017, I start to pass out for no reason at all. In total I have either passed out or fell for no reason at least 7 times in almost a year. Then more and more symptoms came about! I started having memory loss. At first I think “Okay I am 51 so you are going to forget things.” So I thought. I starting forgetting words, dates, times, full conversations and just some fundamental things. So my doctor is like okay let’s check your brain functions. It is called an EVOKE test. Well it came back as one of the worse on a whole if not the worse he has ever seen. I am like what does that mean?

When I received my results from this test and other neurological tests we found out that my long term memory is at 24% and my short term memory is at 17%. What a shock!! I knew my memory was bad but I didn’t realize how bad it is.

I was also told my cardiovascular and my motor function has declined terribly.

Then the BOMB came in! I was told by my doctor you have been downgraded from chronically ill to the dreaded words TERMINALLY ILL!

Since I have multiple illnesses that are attacking my brain, mainly the Sarcoidosis and the Parkinson’s, it is extremely difficult to decide which disease is causing what anymore. I had tried every Sarcoidosis medicine that is known to help, but not one has worked for me unfortunately.

There is a reason I went into detail about my health! I want you to understand what me as an adult has been going through. You hear on TV that this child has to go through this or that or that this person with Cancer has to go through this. But you hardly ever hear about an adult rare patient and what they have to go through daily.

I can barely walk, I can’t lift anything over 10 pounds, Most of my days are spent in bed, mostly sleeping. Something as easy as showering is a chore. So is getting dressed, wash up, and any other daily activity. Never mind me emotionally or mentally.

That is what I have to deal with can you imagine what my wife Diana, and my daughter Savannah have to deal with.

• First off as a family we lost monetarily because instead of me being able to work I have to collect Social Security which is a joke. So we had to make some major financial cuts.
• Then there is the physical aspect that my wife and daughter have to pick up in slack but also imagine being a wife or daughter and seeing you deteriorate in front of their eyes. My daughter was use to seeing this strong Dad picking her up as a child to run and play to someone who can’t go out hardly anywhere with her. Can you imagine not only the physical aspect but the mental and emotional scars it puts on my daughter. She has to wonder if I am going to be able to dance with her at her sweet sixteen this year, nevermind graduation or marriage. Can you also imagine that a 15 year old contacts me during school just to make sure I am okay? When she wakes up or comes home she makes sure I have eaten, or do I need anything. That is not how a 15 year old is suppose to live! The emotional and the mental aspect for a 15 year old to know her Father is terminally ill. Nobody talks about that do they???
• Can you imagine what it is like for my wife who married me knowing I was sick, but I am sure she didn’t expect all of this. She has to be the bread winner, the stable and strong one no matter how she is feeling for my daughter but also for me. It is hard for her to ask everyday and 99% of the time I am saying I am not feeling well. She has to also be the one who drives around because I can’t. So when she gets home she doesn’t hardly ever get a chance to relax. Then if I can’t get out of bed she has to do take care of me. She has to do so much not just for me but also for my daughter. She has to take her around, buy her things because I don’t make enough money to do it for her and I can’t physically go out to do me, it kills me inside that I can’t be the “Dad” she deserves. To see what my wife has to go through physically and emotionally and also mentally is so tough. She tries to be the strong one but I know that she is hurting so much inside.
• We have changed our whole lifestyle, due to this. We have changed when and how we go out. We have to try to take time for us, but when I go out it takes days for me to recover. So both my Wife and my daughter try to protect me and I try to be strong for them. So it is very tough to find a middle ground for all of us because there is no blue print for this.
• Does anybody realize how hard it was for me as an adult who was a very physical and athletic person to go from a long distance runner to be someone who sleeps most of the day away? Can you imagine how hard it is for me emotionally as well as mentally for me to hear the words “You are terminally ill!” I still don’t know how to handle it.
• This is why I believe there needs to be more of a discussion about adults who have rare diseases or any adult that has a chronic illness.

Why am I terminally ill? What happened? 

Ok once again this is a rhetoric question! But one I ask myself so many days if not everyday!  I know that I have reasons for being sick and that is to help people, but why terminally?

The best I can say is that there were flaws in my diagnosis and we all know that.  Also I truly believe I should of pushed more to find answers. Having not one but two misdiagnosis is crazy!

I feel I let myself down, but I also feel the medical field and the government failed me! I don’t want too push blame , but I do want to point out the obvious. I tried to get into five clinical trials, but not one accepted me. I also tried for compassionate use but the FDA wasn’t so compassionate to me!

I let myself down by not being more informed in the beginning and not being pushy enough to find answers!

In conclusion I highly recommend that you have to be your own best advocate! I wrote this blog because many people don’t understand my experiences with being a Rare, Chronic and now terminally ill. I truly hope I can help at least one person to understand how hard it is and also to let them know you will probably never have all of the answers. Don’t stress yourself trying to find the answers of WHY!! Just understand that things are what they are and try to make the best you can of whatever your situation is!

When I first starting writing this three days ago I was thinking this was going to be a complaining blog. As I kept going I now feel it is something we all go through. It is how you handle it that will decide your future!

I also know I don’t have all of the answers! I just write to honestly make people think and more importantly make me think!!!