Warning – This subject matter discusses Suicide and other Mental Health Issues
Today is a tough day. Six years ago, I was in a very bad place. It is very hard for me to speak about. I put myself in a 72-hour Suicide Watch. It was such a bad time of my life. But as bad as it was there was something great to come out of it. I was seeing a counselor for years before and still do. Why did I put myself there? I actually planned my suicide. I had it all down. But something told me to make one call. That call was to my counselor… She talked me into going in the hospital for a 72-hour watch and here I am….
I learned so much about me. I wanted to commit suicide, but I didn’t want to die. I don’t know if that makes sense to you, but it makes so much sense to me.
Let’s go back to that time. It was 2015, and I was in so much pain and being told there wasn’t much left for the doctors to give me in medicine. Unfortunately, my body rejected all of the medications in one way or another. Some of the medications worked for six months then my body grew a tolerance toward them all. There are other medications that my body outright rejected due to the other diseases I have. So my body was not my friend.
I was also in a bad space mentally, if not more than I was physically. I was believing I was a burden on those I loved and those who loved me. Mainly my immediate family. They had to deal with me just staying in bed, going to the doctors, and just being depressed.
I was not thinking right, well not thinking at all. But what kept coming up was committing suicide. I never thought I would be “that person.” Whatever “that person ” even means. I thought for most of my life that committing suicide was a cowardly thing to do. I always thought I was stronger than that. Let me just tell you one thing. All of that is BS! I am a strong person for knowing I needed help!
It can happen to anyone. All it takes is one moment of weakness, one thought of despair or that you are a “burden” on others. Plus, when you are sick physically it definitely effects your mental health. How can you think right when you can’t get out of bed because of pain? How can you think right when all you hear is “NO?” How can you think right when you are taking medications that mess with your cognitive thinking?
Now don’t get me wrong, there is no excuse for suicide. There is always help out there if you want it. I honestly knew that back then, just like I know it now. I can’t describe the feeling that I felt back then. The only way I can write it down was it was a feeling of nothing. Just nothing. Nothing was going to help me… nothing and nobody was going to understand me… and worse yet.. I wasn’t going to help me!!
Was I right? No… Was anyone going to tell me I was wrong.. Not in my mind..
You see when you are in that state where you think suicide is the only solution, you don’t know what is out there. You don’t know or don’t care, either way your mind is focused in blinders mode. You have a one-track mind.
Am I saying that everyone thinks this way? Absolutely NOT! All I can speak is for me. My mindset is not the usual on a normal day so I would bet it is not the same when it came to this. I always thought I was strong, smart, happy and most of all I thought I would never do this.
So what got me to that point? Was it the pain? Was it the feeling of being a burden? Was it just feeling pity for myself and everyone around me? Honestly it was all of that and more. The medication didn’t help as well. Also depression and anxiety of living like that for the rest of my life definitely didn’t help it at all.
So why am I writing this? I don’t know.. Well I know some reasons. It has been six years. Six long years! What has changed? Well I feel like I may be a bit stronger than before. I also have been through so much more both physically and definitely mentally. I would elaborate but that is for another time.
I have lived a pretty full life. Better and worse than I expected, but a full life. Just like so many. I have been dealt some tough things but I have fought hard to get where I am. Sometimes I even fight with myself. But I know where I am now. I know that even though it is not where I expected it to be, it is what it is.
Boy do I hate that saying.. It is not what it is.. It is what you make it. I made the best that I could with what I had. I can say that I have tried to make a difference. If I had or not is up to others to decide.
I can say this one thing. Everyday I fight my mental health. Will I think about suicide again? I don’t know.. Will I act on it… I don’t know.. I just know that right now even though I am super stressed out due to physical and mental obstacles, I am not in that place. Right Now!
We never know what tomorrow brings, do we? I know my present. That is all I know… That is all I can control…
My life as a Rare Disease patient 