I Feel Useless!!

I write these blogs to give you an insight into just one person who is a terminally ill patient. All of what I write is about me and not trying to speak for anyone else!

I am having many days in which I feel absolutely Useless!!! My body feels like it wants to give up on me but my brain is saying no not going to happen… I am wondering will I ever have a day in which I can do anything anymore. Yes I do things, but I am doing these things in spite of my body! If it was up to my body I feel it would say done… I don’t want to say I am giving up but what your mind and what your body says are two totally different things.

I am always tired, hurting and emotionally drained. More than usual now. I know I was downgraded from chronically ill to terminally ill, but I am not the type to give up and refuse to. I don’t want to be laying in bed everyday and doing absolutely nothing. I can’t! If I do I might as well just give up! Well I have given up before and don’t ever want to go back there.

I have been thinking about so many different things because what else do I have to do. I try to read I just give up. I listen to audio books and lose interest in minutes. I know I am just going on but I want people to understand what it is like to be me now!

I am having so many internal battles that I don’t know who or what I am anymore. My head is like you are better than you think but my body tells me you are terminal. How do I decipher what is what?

With all this being said I regret coming out that I am terminally ill. Honestly I wasn’t going to tell anyone, but didn’t know the NBC Nightly News put it up on TV for my whole interview. So there it was!! I feel that too many people are walking on eggshells with me. When I say I can or want to help it is because I want to help! If I don’t do what I do best I might as well GIVE UP!

I know people mean well and are trying to make sure I don’t do too much. But I don’t want pity. I know as a friend where do you draw the line? For me I know my body better than anyone else. If I can’t do things I will let you know. I really need a purpose in life other than just staying alive!  I have a great family and support system who I want to spend a lot of time with and they deserve that. But most of the time I am home by myself just doing absolutely nothing because I am stuck in bed and in too much pain to get out of bed.

But I don’t want to be useless! I don’t want to think there is nothing left for me to do!

Instead of being suicidal, lately I am just very aggravated! I am not adjusting well to my new normal. Why? Because my new normal is not a good normal!! It is a normal in which I am told that you are dying. It is a normal in which my body just says lay here. I know I need the rest but is it really rest when your mind won’t stop and you feel like why am I even here?

I am not an ego person but I feel like I am not needed anymore. In all aspects of my life! It is not anyone’s fault but it is me just going from being busy to doing absolutely (well hardly) anything. When I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis I knew it was going to be rough but I had a purpose. Right now I really don’t know what my purpose is??

I know my family needs me and wants me as I do with my friends but it is really tough to go around life when you feel you have no purpose.

Yes this is a form of depression. I know that! But this is different from any other type of depression that I have ever dealt with. It is hard to talk to anyone including my counselor. I can talk but when I get asked how can I help? I don’t know how to answer this! How can you ask for help when you don’t know how anyone can help?? It really is a tough situation to be in. I really don’t know who I am!!

I figured I needed to write this more for myself than probably anyone else. I am in a place I never thought I would be!

ONCE AGAIN I AM NOT SUICIDAL.

I AM LOST!

I DON’T KNOW WHO I AM OR WHAT I AM??

I AM JUST HERE!!!

TO ME THAT IS THE WORSE FEELING I HAVE EVER DEALT WITH!!